The paradox of feeling at home everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
A lot of people think home is a geographic place, but it isn’t. Home is usually relational.
I’m someone with two integrated cultures that share many similarities — an architecture of values built in very specific layers.
The Scandinavian rationality that lets me analyze things without catastrophizing. The warmth of my farmor in Östermalm who taught me that love doesn’t have to be cold to be serious — it can be serious without needing excessive physical displays.
It’s been three years without her, and it still feels like my life has been pause since she took care of me as a little girl.
On the other hand, my latin side ‘Costa Rican’, good faith that always gets mistaken for naivety allows me to maintain an active ethical stance — and this comes from a position of choice by combining both words.
“Too good to be true,” was a phrase a few of my male friends used to describe me this week. One of them, praising my multifaceted life, said he doesn’t understand how I’ve accomplished so much at such a young age.
I just kept thinking about he doesn’t know how hyperactive I’ve always been. My parents and farmor raised me to stay occupied rather than controlled — it was a healthy way to channel my energy.
The paradox is that those of us who have lived in many countries ( I just mentioned my ethnic backgrounds, but culturally there is more) can adapt to anywhere, but rarely truly belong to one place.
Pappa taught me one of the lessons that govern my ethics: to be responsible even when you can’t stay.
That left a mark. It taught me that responsibility and love don’t come together, even though both things are correlated and not mutually exclusive.
Other friends also questioned my single status as a sickness… damn!
The saying “an attractive girl with a good heart and incredible intelligence — why are you alone?”
I replied them: Ok, I admit my standards are very high, I’m not going to deny it. But a lot of ppl look for company. I don’t, cuz I’m perfectly fine alone. I’m looking for smt more like an alliance, and even I don’t seek it actively 🤷♀️
Keep this in mind— a nightmare would be building a wonderful life next to someone who makes me feel more alone that if I were actually by my self.
I once said I don’t believe in labels, because they tie you a title. Even if I found someone:
Why marry when you can just… park the Ferrari next to his, share a whiskey, then drive home alone..
and that’s perfect to me tbh… No paperwork. No heartbreak. Just two people who decided sharing time was worth it. Choosing each other from freedom, from conscious choice.
Because my question isn’t the common one like:
“Does this person make me feel better than being alone?
Mine is:
“Does this person improve a life I already enjoy?
It may sound elitist —maybe– btt it’s not, and I’m not excusing my position. If you’ve read me before, you already know that’s not the case. I simply believe peace is non-negotiable. If someone doesn’t bring smt unique, the radar stops beeping in that direction.
Another guy told me, it seems like what you want is to stay on guard protecting myself from suffering. I replied, “No, I’m extremely independent—that’s obvious— but I do want someone who takes care of me, and whose actions are congruent with their words. Otherwise it would be a waste of energy for me.”
A few weeks ago I met someone. I’ve never been one to judge, but this person judged me cruelly. He felt smt didn’t fit with me cuz of my inability to show interest.
I give according to what I receive.
Even if smt happens that hurts your ego, I won’t use it to return cruelty. Money doesn’t impress me. Personality does.
In a transactional arrangement, the role demands performance — the smooth, pleasant companion who plays the part. I don’t play roles.
So my authenticity felt like “smt off,” when in reality it was the most honest thing at the table.
I will never have a romantic demand — it will always be an ethical one.
It’s interesting cuz this interaction made me question the way my model of showing interest toward someone works… I’m attracted to is based on never showing too much interest. That can make it seem like I’m not interested to ppl who are used to excessive physical or abstract displays of attention.
But it’s something I don’t prioritize changing, because this is just how I am. Still, I think for the right person who can tolerate my way of being, I could make adjustments in how I interact — cuz I’m not a fan of the phrase:
“whoever wants me has to accept me exactly as I am.”
That would be disrespectful to the other person, and I was raised too well to resort to cheap shots.
In summary, from this week of catharsis, I can say that I’ve built a version of myself that for many is an ‘android,’ and for others is “too good to be true.”
They’re opposite interpretations of the same phenomenon.
Personally —and my opinion is the only one that matters to me— I’m living my best version, but in active update mode.
On romantic matters, my favorite quote is:
“Bīrūn az mafāhīm-e dorost o nādorost, sarzamīnī ast. Ānjā to-rā khāham dīd.” —Rūmī, Persian mystic poet (1207–1273).
These past weeks I didn’t discover who I was (I did that many years ago).
What I discovered is that the way I am isn’t a problem — the problem is how others translate that version.
My new philosophy is:
The signal can “dip out whenever it wants,” then loyalty is no longer toward a static core, but toward the quality of the connection right here and now.
Psychology is for closing, not for justifying emotional issues 🥸
Bye now! 💫
